The Voter

The Voter

Will you fucking get over yourself? Vote or Die, Get out the vote, a sacred trust….blah blah blah, only losers fucking vote. Here’s an idea, we’ll race, one of us will vote, the other will do things during those two years. Let’s see who has more of an impact on life. But wait, no fair, I voted Democratic last year, so I did plenty. So, I gave a homeless guy a quarter and probably had more impact on social policy than they had.

Voting does not matter today, on ((date)). First, by all counts of logic, if the Democrats gain any victory whatsoever, in particular by taking over the House of Representatives, then the United States will lose the war on terror. If that is indeed true, as the leader of the free world made plain clear, shouldn’t he dissolve the Congress and suspend the Republic if the Democrats do win? Why would any President, asshole or not, choose to lose? “Excuse me Mr. President, the Dems just won Congress, we need to take them out back and shoot them or we’ll lose the war.” Fuck it President, do it. I want to win. Win I tells you, win.

Presuming the Dems win, the President does not “take ‘em out,” then there truly is no accountability. If the President can’t live up to his word and defend this nation in every way possible, by rounding up dissidents into cordoned off campsite areas, concentrating large populations, then how can we trust him. No, no no, the stakes are high, there are the camps, put them there, we dare you. Kill the Republic.

Voting is the opiate of the apathetic. “No, I’m not apathetic, I vote.” Adorable. Every two or even every four years, you decide to leave your fingerprints on the China (our government owes China money). That’s very big of you. What if I took away that two year teet you suckle on so your conscience doesn’t feel completely wasted, what would you do? Would you investigate where your clothes came from, which soft drink busts unions in Columbia, which oil does anything? Shit, if I had the choice between voting and doing something that mattered…wait, we do, it’s called not voting.

Voting is a waste of time. Did anyone ever consider that governments are temporary institutions, wet nursing a civilization into true anarchistic enlightenment? The first to go is the voting, then the debt, then the memory, then the problems. This is the future folks. Don’t you feel terrible for those mean things you said about Sacco and Vanzetti? People are NOT voting because they are bad people. Rather than hem and haw every some doesn’t vote, understand that this may be evolution. Change will no longer, if it ever did, occur because of some voting booth. Plus, do you trust the Diebold mother fuckers?

Let the religious, backwater hayseed cousin fucking retards vote. Voting is like the bright, shiny, jingly-jangly keys we dangle in front of small children. Those folks that actually run for office and guilt us into supporting them, have to appease “The great mass of men lead lives of quiet retardation.” Let them vote and feel like they are making a difference. Think about how diluted your vote is among people that are stupid. Here’s an idea, give politicians some cover, step out of voting and into education. Yes, one needs to be abandoned for the other. Why? Well, what have you done to prove they don’t need to be separate? You’ve been voting and NOT chaining yourself to buildings, getting arrested or leaving any type of legacy.

“Gather around grandkids, here’s a picture of me voting in ((date)).” That will stir the shit out of them. “Hey grandpa, show us that photo of you answering the phone and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recorded voice told you what to do.” What about, “Grandpa, show us the photo of you dumping pig’s blood on the Governor’s Hummer, with his family inside?” Or, try “Tell us about the time you played apart in destroying the International Monetary Fund (IMF).” Instead, you’ll tell them, “I made a huge statement back in ((year)) and let the corporations have it, I voted for the party that took LESS money from them.” Don’t make me sick. Stop voting and start doing something, anything.

Don’t agree? Prove me wrong. Vote then give me a reason to care about you. So far, you’ve accomplished very little.

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Rex Grossman, Chicago Bears

Rex Grossman
Quarterback, Chicago Bears

Miami? Fucking Joey Harrington and the Dolphins are so bad that Joey Harrington can even beat them. You feel bad for Nick Saban and decide to toss a juicy win his way? Why do the teams that suck scare you? Choosing to lose Rexford, choosing to lose.

One theory is that you are color-blind, like Vinnie Testaverde. The bright orange retard shirts are necessary, otherwise you will confuse the colors. Perfectly natural, you are color blind, meaning there are certain jobs you ain’t cut out for motherfucker. Quarterback is some shit on that list. A one-armed drummer is another one that’s on there, and I don’t care if he started out with two arms, but lost one in the accident. Might as well get all the bad news out in one shot. “Bad news, you lost your arm and…well duh, you’re out of the band. Knew you’d understand.”

I also dig the way you don’t know how to tackle. You puss out on them like Vinnie Testeverde…Wait,…it’s….it’s your….your future. I see…disappointment…you and Lubbie Smith traveling the country-side like Bill Parcells and Drew Bledsoe and…Testeverde. You are color blind and heavy foot in the pocket, Lubbie has a ginormous gunt. Perfect.

You’re a jew. That was for ratings. No seriously, the Jewish people have suffered under the stereo-type of not being terrific athletes. Why does Grossman have to let his people down? Sandy Koufax and Shawn Greene both took heapings of shit, and that was only baseball. Lead the Bears and that’s one against an insufferable stereotype your people suffer. Trust me, my people suffer through it as well. I’m an alcoholic.

Numbers baby. Fucking numbers don’t lie. Eighteen for Forty Two (18/42)? Three Interceptions (3)? Only 210 on offense? Shit, they suck. I’m guessing they do, cause I actually missed the game. But, however I walked around the nation and listened for the general currents of disappointment. They weren’t directed toward the Bears Rexford. They were directed at you…Rexford.

People in Chicago, Rockville, Wicker Park all clasped their forehead with the sweaty palm of defeat, shook their head back and forth, and all said, “fucking Grossman.” That’s you and that’s pretty fucking scientific. You would hate the people of Chicago if they were demand less and lower their expectations. When good shit is written about you by Jay Mariotti, you should call him a pussy and throat punch him. We’re just driving you to great heights. You’re driving the fans to suicide. So stop fucking up.

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Ted Haggard, Fallen Angel

Ted Haggard
Former President of the National Association of Evangelicals/Pastor of New Life Church.

Praise Jesus and pass the meth. It can be tough here, trying every Sunday to find a religious person to bitch and moan about. How bad can a man of God be and why fuck with the bastard on a Sunday. Sometimes, God really likes to stroke this atheistic mother fucker right here.

Ted Haggard, fag basher and Jesus whore recently was outed not as a gay person, but someone who gets starfish massages and synthetic dope from gay prostitutes. But seriously, back to the real asshole, John Kerry. Granted, he fucked himself, but you can’t run from this, the man so powerful he spanks the President with Leviticus every Sunday evening at skull and bones festivals. This guy didn’t fuck his babysitter, a real Kennedy crime. No, instead he bought crystal from Satan (assuming all gays are the devil) while examining commodified erections.

“We don’t have to debate what we think about homosexuality, it’s written in the Bible,” says Haggard in film Jesus Camp. Sure, I am under the assumption that you mean bad shit should happen to them, which is after all what you and your gaggle of dumb fucks in cheap suits preach week in and week out. How could 30 million retards be wrong, you taught them.

Turns out that you turn out. Tricking with a gay prostitute, blowing meth, gun fucking a transient, did at any point you stop and think about your position and who you are in the Christian world? Did you ever say, holy shit, I’m awesome? Hell, who wouldn’t. Only a pussy would stop that ride and ask for help. Do you really think you can squeeze another Jesus drop from this snake oil bullshit? You’ll get a book, an Oprah get, then you’ll go back to sweating out the remaining years of your life in a Colorado Springs AM/PM toilet.

For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom. Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach.

-Pastor Ted Haggard in a letter to the Congregation

Oh well, in for a penny. Run to the church to get away from being gay and it only brings you money, enough to buy gay people and gay drugs. Damn you God. Why did He have to make vice and virtue so easy? Praying and creeping were second nature, with each forcing you to up the stakes on either side. A little grass, open a church, a male revue, open a bigger church, strangle and blow a prostitute, lead the largest evangelical organization in the country. Remember, a hobby next time to pre-occupy that over-active mind of yours.

Through the years, I’ve sought assistance in a variety of ways, with none of them proving to be effective in me. - Ibid

Have you tried chasing the dragon? Then don’t come bitching to me. You ain’t got problems. You ever steal a man’s kidney, I had, TWICE. You had your church freak donation money and your children’s respect to squander…oh, and those Monday morning pow wows with Bush must cease. Sorry, but you know policy, and seeing as you’re a fag, you are no longer allowed to breath Presidential air. Kind of sucks reaping all this sown shit, right?

I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I’ve been warring against it all of my adult life. -Ibid

Shit, you fought your demons, like we fought the drug war. Deep down, we both dug it, so let’s just skip the fucking get and say it, you are who you are, which you hate. Re-invent yourself, not as someone seeking forgiveness, but as a new brand of crusty-Dostoyevsky from the Underground. No bullshit Bukowski shit, be authentic. Do not return, emerge as Satan. Say you played us the whole time. Fuck, that would be fun. I would totally dig seeing those hayseeds that gave you money shake their fists at the heavens.

Come on, this is big. Let us help you with the next step. Post a comment, then I’ll take the whole thing back.

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