Vicente Fox, President of Mexico

Vicente Fox,
El Presidente de la Republica

Disrupted seven decades of one party rule for this? The former Coke President in Mexico just toadied for Bush every inch of the Coke fueled way. Beating the Revolutionary Institutional Party (PRI) candidate for the first time in seventy years is a feat, but what’s more important is how you fuck it up, leading to electoral paralysis and illegitimacy.

Building fences and burning bridges

You and Bush appear like asshole buddies, yet you supposedly disagree on one key embarrassment; the fence on the border. You want this fence, let’s be honest. Recently, while scoring in Cancun, you said "It is an embarrassment for the United States." Please, don’t help. This country is brimming with racist idiots that will push for the opposite of what you say because you are…wait for it….MEXICAN. If you did not want the wall, you would say, “Sure, go ahead, it will save us the costs of doing it ourselves.” Overnight, the politics would change and Tom Tancredo would shower golden all over his illegal servants.

I’m lead to believe that you think this may be necessary to keep your people inside your country. Rather than offer the many perks of bottom-up economic development by the much ballyhooed North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), you would rather wall up your people inside that god-forsaken lot of desert, swamp and resorts. If you built it yourself, you would get that whole East German stigma, so you decided to use the less intelligent neighbors of the north to do it, killing two coyotes with one stone (population containment and infrastructure costs). Crafty fuck, completely inept and unable to serve anybody but those you in the club. Balls would be to pull out of NAFTA and pass a new Ley Lerdo, like the one of 1856, but spare the native villages. Rob the Catholic Church, that’s where the banks are.

People’s Republic of Oaxaca

When addressing accusations that the governor of Oaxaca Ulises Ruiz Ortiz was employing the use of paramilitary forces to put down protests, the governor replied that his government didn’t need paramilitary hit squads because “My government has the police.” Freudian? Who cares, because Vicente Fox vowed to assist the PRI controlled government, sending federal troops to crush the strikes, causing six deaths and violence.

But I thought Ruiz tried to end public dissent? According to media reports, “after only two weeks in office, he ordered the arrest of over 150 activists and organizers.” Funny how it did not work though, as more protestors sprang up to fill the void. Ruiz’ office was moved to a hotel and the people and the people are in the process of banishing him for thuggery, rigging the 2004 election (sound familiar) and corruption. Good to be on the winning side of history Foxy my boy.

That Calderon asshole

This shit was worse than Ohio and Florida combined. According to BradBlog, Calderon's brother-in-law wrote the software program that tabulated and reported votes for the ‘independent’ election institute. The brother-in-law denied this but Mexico's press actually investigates these things and forced him to admit his involvement by producing contracts his company had with the institute.” Not enough? What about how dirty Fox got in this slop?

“During the election, President Fox ran media advertisements attacking Lopez-Obrador, a clear violation of Mexican campaign law. Fox was censured for doing this and had to cease and desist. There were also reports of huge sums of government money being diverted to governors to create a ‘commercial vote,’ votes for cash or benefits. When the votes were being counted, they were reported to a supposedly "independent" election institute.” http://electionfraudnews.com/

Putting horns on Manuel Loprez-Obrador, oversimplifying his policy to be tweedle oil to Hugo Chavez does not inspire confidence in Democracy. The contagion of pussy is sweeping north from the United States to Mexico as politicians will fight tooth and nail to rub and tug the Chamber of Commerce. It may be just a massage to you, it’s prostitution to us. The impotence of the government to stand up to the profit pirates’ infiltration of the halls of government is criminal and anti-thetical to the principles of reason. To Fox, like every other asshole, the importance is to win, as if it is a narcotic, like that bump of blow at the head of your penis to fuel your drive for another hour.

Mexico could have had a really cool President, but you wanted your boy. You are termed out, what have you got to gain by Calderon? Bush? My advice, move to Oaxaca, build a fence around it and make yourself President, let’s see if Calderon looks out for you like you did for him.

Thanks for the memories, now disappear…Oh shit, I was going to end, but just remembered…

Human Rights

Entering office, you promised to investigate the crimes of the government against student protestors in 1968 and 1971, as well as “dirty war” in the 1970s and 1980s. Not one single conviction of the government, military or anybody at all occurred. Special prosecutors need things like money and support, not just a desk and “Betty la Fea” to type your lunch order. Hundreds of people were tortured and “disappeared,” most likely flown over the Pacific Ocean and pushed out of the plane.

Transparency laws were passed and some movement on Ciudad Juarez’ phenomenon of vanishing women is taking shape, though in a nation that has had more political revolutions than Olympic medals, atrocity should never be far behind on the minds of public officials.

Calling yourself the Human Rights President is as cute as Bush being the Environmental President.

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Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon, Celebrity Couple

Reese Witherspoon And Ryan Phillipe
Media Darlings

There is zero chance of any of us being happy ever again. Divorce is catching like a cold in Hollywood. When you think a couple is stable, it’s splitsville. Hollywood can’t seem to save us, as the institution of marriage is under attack by gays in New Jersey. We need role models and sadly, the latest victims in the culture war against marriage were two heroes of mine.

Hurricane break-up has just roared through glitter town. Bummer. Just check out the heartbreak on serious blogs like Progressive U., “I mean I know Hollywood is hard on relationships, having to be in the spotlight all the time. But many normal relationships also have trials.” I want to pinpoint where things went to wrongseville.

Reese did not seem to understand that Ryan needs to be Ryan (hello, duh ladies). They were publicly fighting at the Flags of Our Fathers premiere, and it had to do with his sport fucking in Austin (Reese is just no fun). According to Best Week Ever on VH-1, a dish-fest if there ever was, “The ess hit the eff when Reese discovered secret messages of filth on her husband’s Blackberry the night of the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. Now, bastard-face himself is no longer welcome in the home he shared with his wife.” Yowsers. This was in reference to the recent fling between Ryan and actress Abbie Cornish (Reese, stand by your man).

You gave him permission to cheat by winning the best Actress Oscar. Hello, can you say curse? Can I say that? Halle Berry, Hillary Swank, uh-oh, let’s hope Katie doesn’t scare away the Tom to her Kat with her award winning talent. Hollywood and marriage land cannot take another break up, let alone Suri’s parents (did you see those gorgeous baby photos? Gorgeous).

Reese needs to get over herself. Let’s fix this. Why don’t you two go back to counseling, which you’ve admitted to trying? Next, try not to get so huffy at your husband for little things like that Cornish mistress. Ladies should be ladies, speaking of which, you need to quit your job.

I’ll pitch in. For my part, I agree to stop sending you those “packages.” I’m sure you know which ones, I just don’t want to incriminate myself any further (I look terrible in a jumpsuit). Yes, I know they have contributed to your marital stress. Two months ago, I was watching the two of you fight over which one can beat the maid harder, when you got my “special delivery.” It was a complicated present, so please don’t read into the obvious. It was a dog’s ear, not YOUR dog’s ear. That must have been a copycat that took your dog, not me.

Anyhow, give it a go-ster. I dread the mileage I will be wracking up if you two truly think you’re moving apart from one another. Gas prices are murder on people in my line of work. Plus, I don’t like change. Change in target, perch, tactics. My rituals are pretty satisfying, thank you very much.

Think about those who truly get screwed when these wonderful celebrity covenants fail; people like me. If you go through with this, I’ll have to follow that Affleck guy, but I think he could actually kick my ass if I get caught. Remember that time Ryan when you went to punch me in the throat, but I had a taser waiting? Good times.

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Richard Grasso, former NYSE Chair

Richard Grasso
Former Chair, New York Stock Exchange

Jesus, this guy must really want $140 million. On October 19, Justice Charles E. Ramos of the New York State Supreme Court ordered Ramos to return $100 million of his $140 million payout he orchestrated as he left the company. Now, all he can do is file appeals and real boring legal shit. Is he a sonofabitch for greed? For losing? For being rich?

All these things work for me. If you are going to be a rich, greedy asshole, don’t let yourself get punked by Elliot Spitzer. With that kind of money, why didn’t you put it all in a Caymen Islands account, flee the country and becoming a criminal mastermind, like Dr. Claw or some shit. Don’t rob a non-profit (NYSE) and then stay in the country. Speaking of which, can you believe that the Stock Exchange is a non-profit, yet there is somehow enough profit to pay this cock $140 million? Christ, I need an MBA. I thought law school was a fucking rub.

What did he do that was so special to merit such a sweetheart pay package? You ring a bill or hit a gavel and leer down on the trading floor like some demonic hawk, waiting for your chance to swoop down and clutch an upstart loser in a red jacket, grasping the nape of his neck in your talon, taking him to your lair where you will sup on the fruits of your rapine, drinking his blood and regurgitating his remains into the waiting gullets of your young. Don’t believe me? Look at this guy’s picture for Christ’s sake. He was the devil.

He met with leaders of the Colombian terrorist group Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia–Ejército del Pueblo (FARC) in 1999 to discuss God knows what. They are communists, what do you think they can add to the NYSE. The are also bit players in the regional economy, for drugs and kidnappings yield only minor operational capital, not quite the cash cows that could funnel wealth into proletariat struggles. Grasso said, “I invite members of the FARC to visit the New York Stock Exchange so that they can get to know the market personally.” Great idea, showing the communists the soft spots of the apex of global capitalism. I’m sure the robber barons that you routinely dined with, drinking port out of the skulls of peasants appreciate this visionary approach.

It wasn’t that which paved the way to a vote of no confidence, it was the pay package that lead to the Board of Directors to ask you to leave in a 13-7 vote. How could this happen? You made shit loads of friends, donating thousands of dollars to both political parties throughout your life, Bush and Clinton (nothing like hedging your bets). Surely, someone would be proud to stand up for you and your carnivorous blood lust that is prominent in so many of your ilk. You bought friends, fair and square. Why is it that nobody is coming to your defense?

Because despite the fact that America prides itself on being so capitalistic and free market, jealousy and envy reign supreme in dictating the alacrity with the wheels of fiduciary justice. Your curious dealing with South-American Marxists, political double-dealing, Rovian system of loyalty and erotic satanic rituals are fine, but when you have more than others, especially me, that is something we, the American people, cannot forgive.

Face it, we’re just jealous dicks, but for some reason, I don’t have a problem with that.

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Phil Angelides, California Gubernatorial Candidate

Phil Angelides
California Gubernatorial Candidate (Democrat)

Wait a second, who the hell is this asshole? Exactly my point. He’s running to steward the world’s fifth largest economy and nobody knows who the shit he is. It wouldn’t hurt to get out there once in a while. I’m not talking about those Democratic rallies, the apogee of pathetic. What I was thinking involved getting drunk, cheating on your wife and getting into a fight with Sean Hannity.

Yes, you’re an egghead. That’s terrific. Tell me this brainiac, how smart will you feel losing to Arnold Schwarzenegger, a man with more gaffes than Tom Sizemore’s got crabs? He once said "I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education up to power. And I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for what he did with it." Gee, how the fuck do I make this guy look bad?

Schwarzenegger was caught talking about State Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia in his eugenic splendor, saying “I mean Cuban, Puerto-Rican, they are all very hot, they have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.” Angelides proceeded to kick Santa Claus up the chimney and tell him to get the fuck out. He began to act all indignant at how disrespectful that comment was, despite the fact that Garcia, weeks later, would comment that she “wouldn’t kick him (Schwarzenegger) out of bed.” I can’t believe people are going to vote for these two perverts, what’s the world coming to?

Instead of making this the central thesis on your reason to be, you should have said, “Yeah, I’d hit that.” Instead, you chose to go the pussy, prudish high road. That will never, ever, ever, ever work. You are losing to a man who’s only intellectual rival is the President of the United States (how depressing that this is an insult). The people will vote for a sleeze, never a pussy. Plus, blacktino chicks are pretty hot.

How do you lose to a guy that made Jingle All the Way? He smoked weed in Pumping Iron, where he also compared exercise to cumming. He admitted to grabbing chicks titties (“Where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” remember?) Why don’t you come out and say what is on your mind? “This guy is an idiot,” or “This guy is the fucking anti-Christ,” or “If you vote for this fucking douche bag, you are dumber than I expected and you truly deserve each other.” Wait, you ARE a Democrat, are you not? The party that expected people to really get sexed up about John Kerry thinks we are going to grin and bear this geeky twat’s forays around the state as the new Upton Sinclair. You truly want to lose. That’s all I can imagine.

Hell, I’m just focusing on the stupid shit people say. That’s not fair, because anecdotes just bump numbers, they don’t drive them. There has to be a comprehensive overall strategy, and for a smart guy you sure are a dumb cunt.

The Governor has substantially shifted to the left, bellowing about global warming, challenging Bush on the National Guard’s presence on the border, even raising the minimum wage. Oh my, it looks like the Governor is going to lose his base, which could prove damaging…wait, what’s that? It’s a nerd, it’s a …nerd? No wait, it’s dumbfuck Angelides. He’ll take care of everything. He’ll run ads linking the Governor to the President. The Governor will now be forced to pay tacit lip service to running away from the Bush agenda that he supported and pushed for in Ohio and at the convention, however all those Republicans that were threatening to stay home now can rest assured that a loyal Bush apparatchik fucks us all for another four years. Genius strategy. “My work is done here,” Angelides says, as he goes home to prepare for where he’ll be four years from now.

Fucking things up for Candidate Villariagosa.

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Bill Cowher, Steelers Coach

Bill Cowher
Pittsburgh Steelers

You goddamned blockhead. The Pittsburgh Steelers, YOUR team, lost to the Oakland Raiders? Even if most teams try to, it's difficult to lose to the Raiders. Despite the fact that the Raiders got less than 100 yards on offense, you managed to fuck it up? What gives, Chisel Jaw?

I'm noticing a pattern here. You have quite an impressive track record of ruining the careers of your quarterbacks. Neil O'Donnell took you to the Super Bowl ten years ago and took a massive dump on the field. He was second-stringing for the Jets, then in the Witness Protection Program. Cordell Stewart? Momentarily inspired casting, but after a handful of impressive snaps, someone called him gay and you threw him under the bus to Chicago. Tommy Maddux was the star of the XFL, yet you somehow polished this turd and made him a contender, until he nearly snapped his spine then became addicted to turnovers.

Big Ben is going to be another in that long list of careers you destroy. Sure he's retarded for riding a motorcycle without a helmet and letting his appendix nearly burst, but he's a big goofy bastard that is getting over a concussion. By season's end he'll be as articulate as Gary Busey, but it's not long term. No quarterback lives beyond two years with you. Ben is on Season Three, which seems to be the expiration date with you. Cartons of milk have spoiled less quickly.

Jerome Bettis is one man, yet since he left you can't get it together. All you have are these stale gadget plays. Here's a gadget play I drew up: Take the ball into the end zone and avoid giving it to the other team. Here's another good one: Take a look at your past and ask what it is you did to fuck up the lives of all these "Next big thing quarterbacks."

Super Bowl rings only go so far, especially in Pittsburgh. Do these people have anything in their lives to look forward to besides football? No way. Have you been there? All they have to boast of besides an obsession with Halloween and pollution are sandwiches with french fries in them. The women are all fat and ugly, starting with the ten year olds. When the team does poorly, the Ohio River becomes dammed with the carcasses of despondent fans. Most cities have a few reporters howl in self-righteous indignation, but Pittsburgh is different, special, pathetic.

Bench Big Ben for Batch. He's not that good, but soon Roethlesberger will be forced to wear headgear outside of games and practice. The noggin can only take so much. I know you've never been in a long term relationship with your QB's, but maybe now is a good time to start.

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