Thursday, October 19, 2006



If all else fails, and Dennis Rodman is not available, buy an African kid. I know this bitch reinvents herself as often as most people copulate, but her latest ploy to remake herself buy purchasing an African child is as retarded as that stupid Lucky Star song.

Africa has become the Filene’s Basement of PR. All stuck up cunts, whether it is Bono or Bill Clinton, will head off to Africa to get diphtheria or a write up in righteous asshole weekly. Today, we take a look at the Material Girl, Madonna. If slumming it with a hack limey lensman was not bad enough, she is stealing a thirteen month old boy named David from the Mchinji village of Malawi. Hmmm, David….doesn’t have that ethnic Malawi vibe. Let’s call him click clack and put him on Vanity Fair, that will sell more than whatever Bradgeline is doing.

Currently, the system of support the Western world has heaped upon Africa is based entirely on rock concerts. Every twenty years, rock concerts, whether it’s Live Aid or whatever lame Coldplay thing happened last year, stir the MTV generation for five minutes. Everyone (male) in the 18-24 demographic (gold in marketing speak) coughs up five to five point two five dollars and sends them to a musician. That money will go from the musician, to the whore, to the coke dealer, then to the African dictator. Next thing you know, its twenty years later, and the surviving members (hopefully not that many) of the Goo Goo Dolls reunite for another go.

What I find terribly cute is how nobody has advocated for the decimation of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) with their misguided attempts at Structural Adjustment Programs that perpetuate a continuing cycle of poverty in the post colonial world, not taking into account the trauma wrought by years of genocide, poverty and systematic exploitation by a European industrial behemoth that was hell bent on culling raw materials from subjugated peoples for their industrial machine. To put a band-aid on a crisis of humanity without addressing the institutional underpinnings of the larger issue of a new imperialism is beyond delusional and downright criminal. I hope all of these idiots die (the rockers, not the Africans).

Having said that, leave the Africans in Africa. The last time white people began stealing Africans was in 1441 when Antam Goncalvez of Portugal enslaved an African, beginning the slave trade that would only accelerate following the Columbian enterprise into the New World. How about instead of prying an innocent African from the arms of his father (the kid’s mother died), Madonna should write a check and give it to the community. I see Christians on TV all the time bitching about how cheap it is to feed these kids with the fly on their eyebrow. Why bring the kid to England for Bangers and Mash when all the sprout needs is ten cents a day.

Madonna, your fucked. I liked when you were fucking with Jesus during the Like a Prayer thing, but lately all you have done is embarrassed yourself by inventing Kabbalah and slamming uglies with Britney Spears. If you think this African kid is going to save your career, think again. Within the next two years, there will be shitloads of people emulating you (because they are stupid) buying up their guilt.

In all fairness, the guilt is not yours alone, it’s all of ours. Man came from Africa, not some old bitch in the sky five thousand years ago. We all came from Africa. Some of us just strayed a little too far from home and got into some bad shit, like crank and oil companies. Rather than extract people from the birthplace of man, let’s spruce their place up a bit. After all, their place is our place. Sure, we fucked it up for several centuries, but rather than torture one child with stories of Sean Penn, you should be showering your guilty conscience on an innocent continent. Stop buying babies. If you really wanted to give back, you’d use your star power for something worthwhile: Overthrow of the state and a restructuring of the dominant capitalist class of oligarchs and global profit pirates. That, or stop making music. I always thought you sucked.



Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Lee Scott, Wal-Mart

Lee Scott
CEO, Wal-Mart

It’s always a good time to bash this guy. Fuck “small town culture,” the cult you’re offering is devoted to some guy who’s been dead since 1992. Wait, what’s that? Sam Walton? Holy shit, I’m being contacted from beyond the crypt. Mr. Walton, what’s that? You support Chinese sweatshops and associates sleeping in their cars? That’s terrific. Bye Sam. There you have it folks, I was wrong, everything is right. Fuck me.

Lee Scott is putting lipstick on a three legged pig with this piss in water promise of going green, helping workers secure health benefits and generally not being a dick. Fighting local town councils for every square inch of real estate, squeezing down the food chain to deny overtime, foisting people upon state welfare; this guy should get the award everyday. I know the major point is, “Well why do people still shop there?” Answer: Because they are fucking stupid. Anyone that would walk into one of your town sized shitholes for cheap light bulbs and lottery tickets deserves their own special pummeling.

I found out that Wal-Mart is so sophisticated with its market research that they actually determined that as a hurricane approaches, sales of strawberry pop tarts increase (CNBC, Inside Wal-Mart). If you know so damn much about pop-tarts, why does Lee Scott feign ignorance when it comes to the drain on local governments’ social services, aquifer pollution and racial discrimination? We can’t control those things is the common refrain. If you could, you’d just send them some coupons and tell them to fuck off and shop.

Scott’s latest gambit is a bank. The Bank of Wal-Mart? Yeah, I loved company towns in the old style of corporate welfare. Pullman Illinois comes to mind, owning the houses of all employees, funding the infrastructure and forming company stores. Problem with this scenario is that Pullman would evict workers at the first hint of labor unrest (simply complaining about anything). Pullman also funneled the town’s sewage onto fields for cultivation of crops that would be sold at the company stores. People would eat food that came from themselves, paying for it with company scrip. Go to a non-company store and pay half of that on the same shit. Sorry if the precedent does not make me feel warm and fuzzy Mr. Scott. What next, get that cocksucker Lincoln off the five and put you there? Of course Mr. Scott can get away with this, since most of his employees are illiterate and never got around to reading "The Grapes of Wrath."

Wal-Mart is being sued in the largest class-action suit in American history by women that were denied promotion because they bleed for five days and don’t die. Also, Wal-Mart had employed illegal immigrants, allowed scores of violent offenses to occur in their gargantuan parking lots, locked employees in the store after hours for their “safety,” and violated countless union organizing laws. How could 5000 lawsuits be wrong? I’m sure they are. There is either something there, or we can just demagogue against trial lawyers. Why sue Wal-Mart? That’s where the crime is.

Shit runs down hill in Corporate America. Lee Scott sits in his office, calls in a subordinate and squeezes his testicles mercilessly. The man goes to his office and repeats the process. The end of the line is the supplier who finally screams, “Fine, I’ll open a factory in China.” The Lakewood Engineering and Manufacturing Company was told to move their factory from Chicago (average wage of $13/hour) to Shenzhen, China (average wage $.25/hour). “Well that’s capitalism for you,” says apologist dick. “Those folks should be prepared for such tectonic shifts.” Spare me the fucking social Darwinism if you are going to wrap yourself in the flag with your low prices. To make up for the lost jobs, do you lower prices so someone in Chicago who now makes $0/hour can afford a quart of Wild Turkey? That I’d like to see.

And finally, the Greatest Generation of greeters. I’ve never been too fond of the sycophantry that has accompanied the niche of geezers. Why are they so great? They produced the generation of Lee Scott and look at what that shitty generation did, they made my fucking generation. Maybe it’s only fitting that their punishment is standing on varicosed legs for eight hours, saying hello to people they hate, which is everyone younger than 85. Yeah, thanks for that Iwo Jima shit, now get back to work.


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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Ken Mehlman - RNC Chairman

Ken Mehlman
Chairman, Republican National Committee

For getting Alan Stayman fired. In case you were asking what that shit heel did this time, it was for putting Stayman on the bread lines. This wormy, weasley fuck called Mehlman has just been caught carrying water (probably with a high concentration of arsenic) for Jack Abramoff. But who is this Stayman? A lesson:

Stayman worked for the State Department, dealing with the US Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands. The Islands did not cotton to Stayman’s advocacy of a reform of the labor laws, so they pulled his card, via their hired gun Jack Abramoff, through Ken Mehlman, then White House political director. Now the venom.

This motherless cunt Mehlman assured one of Abramoff’s asshole buddies that Stayman would be fired, even though Stayman was highly touted and a respected employee of the State Department. Mehlman also pinched $16.3 million from taxpayers for an unnecessary jail for the Choctaw Indians (whom Abramoff had bilked millions of rainmaking dollars from).

Is Mehlman a cheap date? Absolutely not. In 2001, while he was figuring out how to link Stayman to Al Queada, he demanded two tickets to a U2 concert in DC. U2? Did you ruminate on “the troubles” while sodomizing an Indian? According to the LA Times, Mehlman said “I’ve been to several U2 concerts, but I don’t know whether I went to that one.” Some fan you are douche. A hard-core fan that does not cherish the innovative fretwork of the Edge, or the charisma of Bono or the whatever of whoever those other two guys are? Granted, that blubbering mick crying about the dark continent is getting tired, but you mean to tell me you cannot distinguish one U2 performance from the next? I would call you a poser, however U2 sucks and anyone that follows them should be deeply ashamed of themselves.

If theU2 show was not bad enough, the Abramoff clan set up a suite for a Dave Matthews concert to reward the Department of Justice for caving in on that Choctaw jail. Do any of you dumbshits listen to the lyrics of any of these bands? Did you meet the Dave Matthews backstage at any of these shows and ask why he doesn’t write songs skull fucking orphans or raping peasants in the fields of toil? You know, bed time stories for you Republicans.

Stay the course Kenny boy. Chances are, nothing bad will happen. These things tend to be forgotten. Sure, Tony Rudy, Michael Scanlon, Adam Kidan, Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH), former GSA head David Safavian (and about five more by the time you finish this) have gone down, but I think it is just about to run out of steam. If only one of you jerked off to a buxom young page, this thing could heat up. Alas, all this is droll shit, like theft and sweatshops. Aren’t you glad that this is way to boring for are anesthetized media to give a shit?

You got a good man fired for being smart. Pat yourself on that area where most people have spines, you miserable twat. The Northern Mariana Islands are havens for sweatshops that produce clothes with the “Made in the USA” label. Maybe we should pay them enough so they can eat more than guano?

Maybe you should join them.



Monday, October 16, 2006

Al Davis - Oakland Raiders

Al Davis
Owner, Oakland Raiders

Let's get Warren Sapp and Randy Moss and everything will fall into place? Are you a fucking idiot? I'll allow a certain percentage to Alzheimer's, but this? Why not pick up Paul Horning and Gayle Sayers, too?

Zero wins and five losses? Okay, you are the owner, so it is your prerogative if the team goes a total of 0-69 the next five years. What about those losers dressed like Darth Vader? There are scores of sad sacks that have come out week in and week out waiting for a win, any win only to witness a lackluster and unemotional 13-3 loss to Denver? Granted, Jake Plummer has a wonderful moustache, but he threw for grand total 93 yards last night - 50 of them coming on one play.

Hey, grandpa, football is easy. It's so fucking easy, even a retarded dog with a bad eye could understand it. Give the ball to your best player. When Denver runs toward your excuse for a quarterback, he should throw it to Randy Moss. Again and again. It's that simple. You have the greatest football player in the history of the earth, yet it is week five and you have not secured a win (or have even come close to one)?

Randy Moss smokes weed and runs over people with his car. These credentials make, in my opinion, make him the greatest player in the NFL. You can't make a play with this play maker? Warren Sapp has a ring. Who cares. So does Trent Dilfer. 1992 called and wants Sapp's game back. He's fat, slow and probably a rapist. Oh fuck Al Davis, you are a sad sack. I hope something bad happens to you.

In general, I don't like football fans and especially hate the cunts that go to football games with more than a ticket. Painted faces, big wigs. Morons. The idiots who have those helmets that dispense beer? They should be sent off to Somalia. Raiders fans are a notch below those twats in DC that dress like whores with pig noses for a Sunday morning coming down at RFK. They all deserve to be divorced if they ain't married and you wives deserve to come down with a dose of brain cancer for marrying you in the first place. Caveat emptor.

To make matter worse, you come week in, week out to root, root root for the home team only to see Aaron Brooks fake pull in his right tit? Piss poor. Yet, your list of charges are not limited to this, though they are as follow:

* Oakland has Randy Moss and cannot score points. Even though he doesn't try that hard, he has made audible that he does not like what is happening. When you have an chronically stoned pot head like Moss belly bitching, then you know you have a serious problem.

* Al Davis hired Norv Turner to be head coach. How did that work out? Did his bang up job in DC, shepparding Gus Ferrote into sub-mediocrity convince you he's the man to get you a ring? You have rings. Lay off the white Manuel Noriega. Instead, hire Art Shell, a proven loser. Inspired off season move? No, the lazy move of a lazy bitch to deflect attention.

* He left LA. Seriously, do you think LA would let you get this sloppy? Fuck Oakland, which smells only slightly better than an open sewer in the Gaza Strip.

I probably left out five, but it's a five minute show. Of all the villains in the sportsworld, you could have the coolest team with the coolest scheme, yet they are losers, like you. Hurry up and die, you're ruining any game that is televised with your weak team in it.



Sunday, October 15, 2006

Dennis Fitzsimmons - Tribune Co.

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Dennis Fitzsimmons
Chief Executive, Tribune Co.

Thanks for fucking up my newspaper. Why did you want this stupid paper in the first place? Synergy? What do you own, the Cubs? An LA paper that covers the Chicago Cubs? What do we care about a bunch of losers? I think you also own a couple of shitty TV stations. Come to think of it, what do you know about anything?

Truth be told, I only got into religiously following the newspapers quite recently. I would cash my unemployment check, grab a sixer, get high and watch the O'Reilly Factor. I realized this was no way to live, so I stopped watching the O'Reilly Factor. I watched him to get angry at myself for watching him, not to be informed. As beer cans piled up around the television, eventually obscuring the view of the man's face that I lobbed the cans at, it became clear as to my choices; either clean the apartment or subscribe to the newspaper.

I feel ten times smarter. Did you know that Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with the September 11 attacks? Also, the earth is round, Darwin is king and God is a fucking fantasy. I was literally retarded while watching Fox News. I am shocked. Literally, I am shocked at how utterly stupid I was. People actually watch this shit to get informed? I first said it was just for entertainment purposes, then I realized that I became a Premium Member of People that watch this drivel should be truly ashamed.

I have many years to catch up for. Dennis (Dick) Fitzsimmons, as Chief Executive of Tribune Co. is ruining my news source, firing the Publisher for opposing staff cuts. Yeah, sure, fuck it. People can just watch Fox News, right dick? Soon the LA Times will be nothing but obituaries and ads for used trampolines. Yeah, fuck up the paper just like you fucked up the Cubs and whatever else the fuck you're in charge of. Even though the paper makes a genuinely healthy profit and has garnered its share of awards, let's enlarge the Sudoku to an entire section and put International news at a crawl at the bottom of the pages. And if more people read it, then it must be good and you must be right. Yeah, quality media is audience driven, Check out Geraldo's news show on guess what fucking network? FOX, dick.

Just sell the paper to a rich person from Los Angeles. Hell, we're full of them. Don't Chicago-up our paper. Sell it to Cruise, or Travolta, then we'll finally get the truth.