Madonna
If all else fails, and Dennis Rodman is not available, buy an African kid. I know this bitch reinvents herself as often as most people copulate, but her latest ploy to remake herself buy purchasing an African child is as retarded as that stupid Lucky Star song.
Africa has become the Filene’s Basement of PR. All stuck up cunts, whether it is Bono or Bill Clinton, will head off to Africa to get diphtheria or a write up in righteous asshole weekly. Today, we take a look at the Material Girl, Madonna. If slumming it with a hack limey lensman was not bad enough, she is stealing a thirteen month old boy named David from the Mchinji village of Malawi. Hmmm, David….doesn’t have that ethnic Malawi vibe. Let’s call him click clack and put him on Vanity Fair, that will sell more than whatever Bradgeline is doing.
Currently, the system of support the Western world has heaped upon Africa is based entirely on rock concerts. Every twenty years, rock concerts, whether it’s Live Aid or whatever lame Coldplay thing happened last year, stir the MTV generation for five minutes. Everyone (male) in the 18-24 demographic (gold in marketing speak) coughs up five to five point two five dollars and sends them to a musician. That money will go from the musician, to the whore, to the coke dealer, then to the African dictator. Next thing you know, its twenty years later, and the surviving members (hopefully not that many) of the Goo Goo Dolls reunite for another go.
What I find terribly cute is how nobody has advocated for the decimation of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) with their misguided attempts at Structural Adjustment Programs that perpetuate a continuing cycle of poverty in the post colonial world, not taking into account the trauma wrought by years of genocide, poverty and systematic exploitation by a European industrial behemoth that was hell bent on culling raw materials from subjugated peoples for their industrial machine. To put a band-aid on a crisis of humanity without addressing the institutional underpinnings of the larger issue of a new imperialism is beyond delusional and downright criminal. I hope all of these idiots die (the rockers, not the Africans).
Having said that, leave the Africans in Africa. The last time white people began stealing Africans was in 1441 when Antam Goncalvez of Portugal enslaved an African, beginning the slave trade that would only accelerate following the Columbian enterprise into the New World. How about instead of prying an innocent African from the arms of his father (the kid’s mother died), Madonna should write a check and give it to the community. I see Christians on TV all the time bitching about how cheap it is to feed these kids with the fly on their eyebrow. Why bring the kid to England for Bangers and Mash when all the sprout needs is ten cents a day.
Madonna, your fucked. I liked when you were fucking with Jesus during the Like a Prayer thing, but lately all you have done is embarrassed yourself by inventing Kabbalah and slamming uglies with Britney Spears. If you think this African kid is going to save your career, think again. Within the next two years, there will be shitloads of people emulating you (because they are stupid) buying up their guilt.
In all fairness, the guilt is not yours alone, it’s all of ours. Man came from Africa, not some old bitch in the sky five thousand years ago. We all came from Africa. Some of us just strayed a little too far from home and got into some bad shit, like crank and oil companies. Rather than extract people from the birthplace of man, let’s spruce their place up a bit. After all, their place is our place. Sure, we fucked it up for several centuries, but rather than torture one child with stories of Sean Penn, you should be showering your guilty conscience on an innocent continent. Stop buying babies. If you really wanted to give back, you’d use your star power for something worthwhile: Overthrow of the state and a restructuring of the dominant capitalist class of oligarchs and global profit pirates. That, or stop making music. I always thought you sucked.
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